Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
