last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
