If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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