***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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