Even water is tasting like jack daniels
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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