We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
