I'm going to jail i love you
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
