And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
