phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
