Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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