I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
