i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
