Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
