getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
