I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
