I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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