Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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