When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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