Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize