that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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