Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
