Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize