I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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