hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
