$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
