I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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