Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize