where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
