I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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