We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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