this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I will be naked everywhere
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
