my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
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