Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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