Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize