what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize