Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
