Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
