sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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