I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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