Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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