My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
