told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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