i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
