it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
