Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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