I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just got carded by a ten year old.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
