rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
