Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
