i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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