Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
