I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
