you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
