just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
