two words: eviction party
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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