it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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