life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
