guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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