I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
