I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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