im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
