You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
