his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize