that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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