First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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